Small Town Grievances 26: The trees are old and their sap disgusting
Small Town Grievances 26: The trees are old and their sap disgusting
Town hall has announced that it has finalised a deal with a pharmaceutical firm in Hindenberg requiring the town to dish out doses of the discredited anti-viral Moroxodine for any illness or injury that occurs within town limits for the next sixty years, in exchange for the company deploying powerful chemicals to destroy the diapers clogging the the pool filters at the orthodox water park.
Mayor is threatening to disrupt education funding unless both the big and little schools consider implementing an exercise program he calls “caveman marathon” which he dreamt up during one of his dozen or so laser-eye surgeries. It seems to involve tying sacks of coins to each of his belt loops and sprinting around the fragile old-growth part of the state forest until he runs out of clean water and has to be rescued by whichever of the trainee rangers hasn’t been drinking. Afterwards, you can see the sappy hand prints he leaves on the post office windows as he tries to get a glimpse of the adult stamps.
The motel wars continue their desperate escalation. Rival businesses are going to concerning lengths to get an edge. Clive F. of the Great Southern took out a full-page ad announcing that all rooms in his establishment will now feature a window through which guests can see and communicate with the ghosts of dead loved ones. The Lumley twins of Lumley’s Highway Rest have placed bounties on individual members of Clive F.’s family, threatening to incorporate them somehow into their motel’s disgusting water feature.
Town meeting descended into ruckus Wednesday after council voted to uphold an outdated writ banning gatherings of “any burlsome goodfolke with necks exceeding in span a hand of father's birch, and a wholeweight when tallied exceeding the market tonnage of a Jerusalem steer”, effectively outlawing all of the town’s rough-and-tumble clubs and strongman guilds. Moment of chaos as burly townsfolk in attendance were forced to disperse and began to heave to and fro against the walls of town hall, which was filled far beyond capacity. Strangely calming to be caught, immobilised, in the hot wave of the strong men. Feeling like a lump of sugar dissolving in the swell of god’s breadmaker.
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